This blog post is written by Jimmy, Kelsey's husband.
As a new parent, I have received a lot of input, advice, counsel, and wisdom over the past 14 months of my new parenting career. Some if it has been good, but to be honest, a lot has been unhelpful. The reason I want to write this post is to encourage all of us to do a little more thinking before we speak. So, I have compiled a list of 5 ways to discourage young parents in order to help us in that thinking.
1. Give Your Advice To A New Parent Freely.
Within the first few days of having our son home from the hospital we were given a lot of advice about almost everything when it comes to caring for a newborn.
"Co-sleep! It will work much better."
"Nurse every three hours."
"Don't nurse every three hours."
"Sleep when baby sleeps."
"Wait '2 pees' before you actually change their diaper."
Now, hear me when I say we needed all the advice we could get! But there comes a point when new parents can feel the weight of "suggestion overload." We felt so overwhelmed, but little of those feelings were traced back to our son. The reason we felt overwhelmed was because we had to sift through literally hundreds of pieces of advice. Eventually, we began to feel like bad parents because it seemed like everyone was giving us their two cents.
So, what can we all do instead? Someone in our church asked us one day,
"Would you like me to give you some advice?" Simple enough. Someone finally asked us if we wanted their advice! It felt great that we could say "no, thank you," if we wanted to.
2. Compare Their Child's Situation to Your Own Child's Situation.
No two children are alike, and yet, the online world seems to believe that whatever worked for their child must be a universal truth. Some kids don't like peas, some kids sleep great, other kids hate fruit, while some children seem to never sleep a wink. When a young mom or dad either tells you or posts online about some behavior their child is doing that is causing detriment or stress, it's usually a cry for help and not child-to-child comparison. Phrases like, "my child slept through the night since day one," are extremely unhelpful to say to a mom who has slept 18 hours in seven days. What we can implicitly communicate when we compare our child's good behavior to another's bad behavior is that somewhere along the line the
other parent did something wrong. The fact is that all children behave differently, so there is no formula for child-rearing. Sure, there are truths that go across the board; but when a young parent tells you about their child's bad behavior, seek to listen and offer compassion quicker than you seek to compare.
3. Begin Phrases With "Wait Until..."
I remember distinctly there was a day when Kelsey and I were literally running off of two hours of sleep. As we shared this with other young parents we often heard this:
"Wait until you have more kids." Here is why this is unhelpful and discouraging: When we say this to young parents, what we do is completely disregard their stress and tell them its only going to get worse. Placing fear into young parents is simply not helpful. What we wanted to hear in those moments were things like:
"We've been there, you're not alone."
"Is there anything we can do to help?"
"You're doing great. This season will eventually pass."
Which leads me to my next way to discourage a young parent:
4. Offer Suggestions When You Should Offer Encouragement.
When our son was still a newborn and we walked through daily life with a fogged look, what we were looking for was not the best "get-your-baby-to-sleep-all-night" technique. What we needed then, and what so many young parents need now, is
down to earth encouragement. Though suggestions may flow from good intentions, they can be seen through the lens of exhaustion. Sometimes, as a young dad I need a more experienced parent to simply tell me that everything will be fine. Will it? Who knows? But when I tried everything from rice cereal to lullaby CDs to get our son to sleep through the night (all of which, to no avail), the last thing I needed was one. more. technique.
5. Tell Me What I Am Doing Wrong Without Ever Telling Me What I Am Doing Right.
One of the most helpful things someone told my wife and me was
"you're his parents, you will always know what is best for him." My son knows me, he responds to me, and in his own little way, he loves me. I know him. I know when his cry is serious, and when it's melodramatic. I know when he needs a nap. I know when he is being rebellious. And yes, I even know when he does and does not need his diaper changed. When I am told that I am doing disservice to my son, it hurts me. Why?
Because I am his dad. The God of the Universe entrusted him to me and my wife, not you. Yes, I will and do make mistakes; but in the end, I do not need the only thing you've ever said to me about parenting to be critical. And besides, if he needs his diaper changed then be my guest!
Now, before you think I am bitter toward well intentioned people allow me to say that I am not. Like I've said, my wife and I need all the advice in the world! We have received some great suggestions and many of them have worked. But when you see that young mom or dad post about a struggle with their baby online, or they talk to you about it in person, ask yourself these questions:
Does this young parent need/want advice from me?
What would be the most helpful thing for them?
Is what I am going to say come across as bragging? Comparing? Hurtful?
Or maybe, just respond with this:
"I am sorry that you're going through a rough time. When is the best time for me to drop by a meal?
Let us all remember: parenting is hard work. It's trial and error. It's discouraging enough as it is. Therefore, we don't need any more discouragement on top of the sleepless nights we already endure. In most cases, I don't need another parenting technique, but I need to be pointed to my Savior. I need to be reminded that God will give me grace when I am up at 3 a.m. I need to be reminded that my ultimate need has been met at the Cross, therefore I am free to meet my son's needs with joy, not impatience. I don't need another book/article/trend--I need Jesus.
